Suicide Squad

In the 90’s, emboldened by the critical and popular acclaim of Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns in the prior decade, DC set out to make itself the producer of mature, grown-up comic books graphic novels that could sit proudly on any bookshelf next to Cormac McCarthy. Instead what we got was a plethora of ultraviolent, terribly written, astoundingly immature books that missed the mark so hard they landed next to Alpha Centauri.

Suicide Squad completes the 90’sification of DC movies that began with Man of Steel and continued with Batman v Superman, a dark, gritty, remarkably violent and creepy movie with the racial and sexual politics of a Transformers movie. The premise is that Amanda Waller, an evil government agent with far more menace than sense, decides that in case someone like Superman decides to kill everyone the US government should assemble a team of blackmailed supervillains to do their bidding. This fucks up within twenty minutes as Enchantress, an ancient demon who resembles a decaying stripper, breaks free of her control and decides to end the world (as you do).

Enchantress then spends the rest of the movie wobbling in what I suspect was meant to be a sexy fashion around a giant pillar of light leading to a portal in the sky (very original), while Waller’s other Dirty Dozen shoot their way through her army of identical tar babies to stop her. They consist of Will Smith, an assassin with a young, precocious cliche daughter he loves, Killer Croc, a man covered in bad fake crocodile leather, Captain Boomerang, who has no reason to be in this movie, El  Diablo, a latino gangbanger who shoots fire from his hands, Slipknot, who dies almost immediately, Katana, a samurai-wannabe even more stereotypical than her name implies, and Harley Quinn.

This is the first time I’ve seen Harley in anything, and I can only assume she’s different elsewhere as this movie’s depiction of her can charitably be called creepy, and uncharitably called fucking creepy. An absurdly sexualised caricature of infantilised women, coupled with this really uncomfortable fetishisation of mental illness, which stands out as bad even by the standards of the Batman universe which is typically only half a step up from Victorian madhouses. Her past relationship with the Joker (played by Jared Leto in one of the worst performances I’ve seen in years) is clearly abusive but the director has no idea how to write this in an interesting or clever fashion, it’s halfway played as romantic.

The depiction of romantic relationships here is so bizarrely and proudly retrograde I’m surprised it exists in a modern day blockbuster. At one point a soldier with the team starts talking about his relationship woes, at which point Boomerang tells him he needs to ‘get a handle on her’ by slapping her arse and telling her what to do, and I’m not sure if it’s even meant as a joke. The jokes themselves typically land with a thud and the studio reshoots studio to make the film more like its first trailer are painfully obvious, as it cannot commit to a tone. Parts of it try to be dark and gritty but never allows itself the casual amorality it aims for, and despite being about villains the cast are never allowed to be particularly evil.

Filmmaking-wise this thing is an astounding mess, with characters introduced to the audience multiple times, awkward flashbacks, choppy editing and action that varies from bland to unintelligible. I don’t know if it’s quite as bad as Batman v Superman was, both are incompetent but SS was never boring and a half hour shorter, but if this is now the standard for the DC universe expect it to end very soon.

Finding Dory

Outside of Toy Story Pixar’s never had much luck with sequels. Cars 2 and Monsters University both lacked any real reason to exist, though they at least tried to branch out in new, if in Cars 2’s case stupid, directions. The same minor praise cannot be given to Finding Dory.

The plot this time is that Dory, living with Marlin and Nemo in the reef following the first film, suddenly remembers where her family are on the other side of the ocean and the three set off to find them in a public aquarium/fish hospital. After making the trip Dory gets captured and put on display, after which she must find her parents and escape with the help of an misanthropic, amputee octopus called Hank, a nearsighted whale shark called Destiny who she may have known as a child, and a beluga whale called Bailey who’s lost his ability to echolocate.

The main problem with this film is that it’s largely just a retread of Finding Nemo. Dory’s arc of getting over her short-term memory loss in that film is undone so we can have her go on the same journey this time, and while the depiction of her struggling with her condition feels like an attempt to retroactively change the first movie’s ‘you can get over disabilities by trying hard’ message, they do that exact same message with the beluga whale in this one. For a film about a group of disabled fish the tone is all over the place, never tragic enough to play Dory’s illness for drama nor right to play it for comedy. There are also a common loon and a sea lion whose stereotypes, and I would never use this to describe anyone, but the first word they brought to mind was ‘retarded’. The new characters also just aren’t that interesting. Hank is uninteresting, unlikable and has a face that looks distractingly like the underside of an erect penis. Destiny and Bailey are somewhat likeable but not notable enough to say much about.

The film also feels like it was made by people who last saw its predecessor a decade ago, since there are many things that movie made a point of that have been completely forgotten. Someone tapping on or shaking a tank or bag with a fish in it is now completely okay, as Hank shakes Dory’s environments constantly without anything bad happening. The filmmakers have also forgotten that Dory found it easier to memorise things earlier by repeating them over and over, but neither she nor Marlin think to do that this time, leading to me (in an empty cinema row, thank god) silently yelling “P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney you fucks!” over and over.

This is not a terrible movie. The central drama still kind of works and there are some good jokes, but it lacks any reason to exist. It’s so slight in comparison to Pixar’s other, better works and if I remember what happened in it in a week I’ll be very surprised.

Jason Bourne

It’s been twelve years since Paul Greengrass’ The Bourne Supremacy forever changed action filmmaking, ushering in a new age of fast-paced, shaky-cam cinema that seems to anger just as many as it entertains. But, nine years after saying they wouldn’t return to the franchise, Greengrass and Damon are back with a sequel so by-the-numbers they should have named it The Bourne Redundancy.

This time Bourne is called out of retirement (again) when his CIA friend Nicky tracks him down at his local fight club, having ditched the Agency to start leaking their secrets like Edward Snowden (namechecked, though no-one remembers Chelsea Manning for some reason), in the first of many attempts at relevancy despite already covering this ground in Damon’s last film, which beat Snowden and friends to the punch by six years. This earns her the ire of Tommy Lee Jones and Alicia Vikander, two CIA officers who make Gordon Freeman look like a towering force of personality, who send Vincent Cassel (even blander) to kill the two. While all this is happening the founder of a social media startup played by Riz Ahmed, who it’s always nice to see getting work, is planning to blow the whistle on the CIA’s involvement in his business.

The crippling flaw at the heart of this movie is that it’s incredibly difficult to care about anything that happens. The cast are without exception boring as tar, rendering the central conflict equally so. There’s a subplot about Bourne’s dad which flops the same way, as dad gets less than a minute of screentime and two lines while Bourne has all the personality of a piece of cardboard. It gets so bad that during the climactic car chase I repeatedly forgot who the bad guy was and why Bourne was chasing him. There’s also a major plot point stolen wholesale from an earlier entry in the series to the point of almost making me scream obscenities in the middle of a packed theatre.

The filmmakers also don’t seem to understand the internet they base much of the plot around. As well as the usual tedious scenes of characters staring intently at monitors while dramatic music plays, everything about Riz Ahmed’s character is astoundingly vague. His social media platform is never defined for the audience, he gives press conferences full of general statements about the internet and privacy without ever saying anything, and part of the film takes place at a nebulous ‘technology’ conference, the purpose of which is never stated (although the director of the CIA is giving a speech for some reason).

I’ve largely lost interest in Greengrass’ style of action filmmaking after twelve years of imitators, though my hearing loss during this period may partially account for my distaste for a very sound design-dependent style of fight scenes. This film’s action is technically very similar to prior entries, though Bourne has become seemingly indestructible in his absence. In one fight scene that happens for literally no reason he takes repeated blows to the head from a dumbbell and doesn’t even lose consciousness, and a bullet to the gut briefly phases him before he handily tosses a grown man eight feet twenty minutes later. Bourne’s gadgetry also seems to fall from the trees in this one. At one point he finds himself by a stall with a bowl of free tracking devices to take away, and another has concealable cameras for him to shoplift (all of which come fully charged).

This is a really quite bad movie, but (aside from one scene) just by lacking anything of interest rather than being actively offputting. I’d never recommend watching it (even on Netflix) but honestly if I even remember anything that happened a week from now I’d be surprised.

X-Men: Apocalypse

Bryan Singer’s X-Men series is the longest line of superhero films by a single director, and while they’ve been consistently popular over the years they’ve been frequently criticised for not keeping up with the times, stuck in an early 2000’s mindset of being ashamed of their comic book origins and refusing to embrace their source material’s often campy nature. But I can happily confirm that this era is finally over, as Singer has managed to make a film perfectly in tune with the age we now live in, with a dour, joyless, extremely violent superhero tale to fit in right alongside Batman v Superman and Civil War.

This time our heroes are confronted by an ancient Egyptian mutant played by Oscar Isaac, looking uncannily like Ivan Ooze from Power Rangers, who is resurrected from the ruins of a destroyed pyramid and wants to take over and destroy the world because… I really don’t know, he’s just evil and rambles about false gods a lot like he was accidentally given Jessie Eisenberg’s script notes for BvS. After gathering a deeply silly looking group of followers, who join him in his genocidal quest for no discernible reason besides him being able to make them more powerful, he sets about razing the world’s cities to the ground to build a pyramid because… I have no fucking idea. He just does things because the script needs a villain.

Meanwhile Magneto watches his latest family being shot dead in front of him because he just can’t catch a break, and joins Oscar Isaac for the exact same reasons he was the villain in the last two films, while Mystique, played by an utterly not giving a shit Jennifer Lawrence, also has her character arc reset to the beginning of First Class because the writer can’t come up with a new plot for her besides ‘gets over not looking normal’. Meanwhile baby versions of the cast from the first three films get together at Xavier’s incredibly inconspicuous school for people with superpowers and go off on a quest to rescue him when he gets kidnapped by Apocalypse. Oh, and Wolverine’s in it for a minute, because of course he is.

To describe this movie as ‘going through the motions’ is extremely generous; it’s basically just a checklist of X-Men movie tropes: Magneto decides humans are worthless, Mystique gets over body image problems, vague allegories to real life persecution are made, Professor X gives humanist speeches, the cast is way too large for everyone to be developed properly etc. The whole affair is so mind-numbingly generic I found myself heavily referring to the Wikipedia plot summary to remind myself what happened the day after seeing it. It’s ostensibly set in the eighties, but it doesn’t matter and once Apocalypse starts getting demolishing cities like a bored Roland Emmerich you’ll have forgotten the few nods made to the period. I don’t know if Singer’s just given up trying, but his direction has regressed drastically since (the legitimately good) Days of Future Past. There are direct to video Seagal films with more compelling direction.

Also, as I mentioned earlier, this film is absurdly violent. People are crushed, impaled, decapitated, shot, stabbed, flayed in slow motion and in one case telekinetically folded up like human origami. None of it fits the film’s overall tone and it feels like the director just got bored and decided to see what he could get away with. All of it ends up building to a punishingly long and literally headache-inducing climax in which characters we don’t know very well hit other characters we don’t know very well repeatedly with dodgy CGI, and I found myself zoning out to the point where I can’t quite remember how it resolved.

This is quite possibly the worst X-Men film to date, even worse than the legendarily bad Origins: Wolverine. It’s an agonizing slog that only avoids being the worst superhero movie of the year because Batman v Superman exists, and I can only hope that another director is hastily brought in to right the series because otherwise it will soon go down in flames.